Calm Before Words: A Parent’s Guide to Tantrums
Three-year-old Caitlin is building a big tower with blocks. She wants to make it as tall as her sister’s was yesterday, but every time she tries, it tumbles down. She stares at the blocks, sighs, and grunts in protest. Her dad hears this and asks, “Do you need more blocks?” Caitlin shakes her head. She knows she doesn’t need more blocks. She just needs help keeping them from toppling, but she doesn’t know how to explain that, so her dad hands her more blocks anyway. Caitlin pushes them away and raises her voice: “No!” Surprised, her dad pulls his hand back and asks, “So are you all done?” Caitlin screams, “No!” Her eyes fill with tears as her frustration grows. She points at her wobbly tower but can’t express what she needs. Her breathing quickens, she throws her blocks across the room, cries uncontrollably, and stomps her feet on the floor. Her dad says, “Caitlin, just use your words,” but Caitlin can’t. She’s too overwhelmed.
Why Communication Breakdowns Cause Tantrums
Many of us have seen a version of this scene before: a child becomes overwhelmed when communication breaks down. Young children don’t have meltdowns because they’re “bad,” “defiant,” or “spoiled.” More often, they become emotionally dysregulated because they lack the skills to communicate their needs or manage the intense emotions that come with feeling misunderstood.
As frustration builds, intense emotion becomes a physiological response: their heart rate increases, their muscles tense, and what began as a small misunderstanding can quickly escalate into a full-blown tantrum. Young children often have thoughts, feelings, and ideas that are far more complex than what they can express with their current language skills. They may know exactly what they want or need but not have the words for it. As a result, they may feel like you aren’t listening or don’t understand them, even when you’re trying your best. This disconnect intensifies their frustration, making it even harder to communicate and increasing the likelihood of emotional dysregulation.
Regulation Before Communication
It’s important to teach young children effective ways to communicate their needs, whether through simple words, gestures, signs, or other means. But the middle of a meltdown is not the time for teaching. When a child is emotionally dysregulated, their priority is to regain a sense of safety and calm. Once they’re regulated, they’re in a much better position to learn and practice the communication skills that will help them express their needs going forward.
Before covering simple gestures that support communication, let’s look at regulation strategies for tantrums by age. Across all ages, co-regulation is essential. Co-regulation means that as a parent, you stay emotionally regulated during your child’s tantrum, because your calm, steady presence helps regulate your child’s nervous system.
Helping Infants Regulate
Co-regulation matters most with infants (0–12 months), since they can’t yet self-regulate. Before responding to an upset infant, make sure you’re calm first, since your emotional state influences theirs. Then soothe them in whatever way they need in the moment, whether that’s holding, rocking, swaying, humming, or speaking softly. It’s equally important to reduce sensory input by dimming the lights or minimizing noise, and to check for unmet physiological needs like hunger, fatigue, discomfort, or a wet diaper, since these are common causes of distress at this age. These strategies work because infants rely on a caregiver’s calm presence and rhythmic, predictable input to help their developing nervous system return to baseline.
Helping Toddlers Regulate
Toddlers (1–3 years) are at a peak age for emotional dysregulation because their emotions are often much bigger than their communication skills. During a tantrum, the goal isn’t to reason with them but to help them feel safe and regulated. Stay physically close, use simple, reassuring language such as “I hear you,” and avoid lengthy explanations or too many verbal demands. Model calming strategies like deep belly breathing. For example, invite the child to “smell the flowers” with a deep inhale and “blow out the candles” with a long exhale. This playful, visual approach makes deep breathing more engaging and easier for young children to follow. As they begin to calm, offer simple choices, such as “Up or down?” or “Water or your toy?” to gently restore their sense of control. Because toddlers regulate through connection, predictability, and simplicity, your calm presence and clear, supportive responses are often the most effective tools for helping them regain control.
Helping Preschoolers Regulate
Preschoolers (3–5 years) are beginning to develop self-regulation skills but still rely heavily on co-regulation from trusted adults. During moments of dysregulation, start by naming what they’re experiencing with simple statements like “Your body is feeling really mad.” Then use visual supports such as calm-down cards, gesture cues, or first/then boards to make abstract concepts more concrete. Pair these with sensory strategies that help calm the nervous system, such as deep pressure from a weighted blanket or a tight hug, soft tactile items like a stress ball, or a low-stimulation environment with dim lights or noise-canceling headphones. Keep your voice low and steady throughout, since children often respond more to tone than to words, and provide a safe, calm space for them to regain control. Once they’re regulated, revisit the situation together: “We figured it out together.” Preschoolers are beginning to use tools to regulate their own emotions, but they’re most successful with them after the emotional wave has passed, which is why adult support during the moment is essential.
Helping School-Aged Children Regulate
Early school-aged children (5–8 years) are increasingly able to learn and use structured self-regulation strategies, but they still benefit from adult scaffolding. At this age, the goal is to teach simple, portable strategies they can use across settings, for example a routine of stop, breathe, then ask for help when they notice their bodies becoming dysregulated. Once they’re calm, use a collaborative problem-solving approach to talk through what happened and identify better ways to handle similar situations in the future. Children at this age are beginning to reason through problems, but they still rely on adult guidance to build effective coping skills. Rather than waiting until a child is already overwhelmed, proactively offer sensory breaks and teach communication scripts they can use to express their needs, such as “I need space,” “I need help,” or “I need a break.” Practice these phrases regularly, outside of moments of distress, so they feel familiar and natural when stress hits. Executive functioning skills are developing rapidly at this stage, but emotional dysregulation can still temporarily limit a child’s access to language and reasoning. By giving children simple, practiced strategies for communicating and regulating their emotions, adults can help prevent communication breakdowns and support more successful self-regulation.
Regardless of a child’s age, one principle should always guide your response to tantrums: regulation first, communication second. A dysregulated brain can’t effectively access language, gestures, signs, or problem-solving skills. The priority during a tantrum is to help the child’s nervous system return to a calm, regulated state. Once they’re calm, they’re better able to communicate, process what happened, and learn new strategies. This is the time to teach communication skills that will help them express their needs more effectively and reduce the likelihood of future communication breakdowns and emotional dysregulation.
Communication Tools to Prevent Tantrums
Research consistently shows that the number of gestures a child uses at 16 months predicts their vocabulary size at age 2. Gestures are often a child’s earliest communication tools, and when they’re absent or limited, children have fewer ways to express their wants and needs, making communication breakdowns, frustration, and emotional dysregulation more likely. Teaching simple signs and gestures gives children a way to communicate before their speech system is fully developed. These early tools reduce frustration, support emotional regulation, build confidence, and strengthen the parent-child relationship.
Word approximations offer another functional way for children to communicate. Most young children aren’t ready to produce full words consistently, but they can often manage simplified versions, such as “ba” for ball, “da” for dog, or “uh” for up. These approximations reduce the pressure to speak perfectly, reinforce the motor patterns needed for later speech, and let children successfully communicate their needs. Most importantly, they create opportunities for meaningful interaction as parents recognize and respond to their child’s attempts to communicate.
The goal isn’t perfect speech. It’s functional communication. When children can successfully get their message across, they experience less frustration, feel understood, and continue developing their communication skills with confidence.
Think back to the scenario at the start of this post. Caitlin became dysregulated because she wanted help keeping her tower standing but couldn’t communicate that need. As her dad misread her frustration, both of them grew more stressed, and the situation escalated into a tantrum. Now imagine the same scenario if Caitlin had access to gestures, signs, or simple word approximations. Instead of becoming overwhelmed, she could communicate that she needed help. Her dad would understand her message and respond appropriately, and Caitlin would feel heard. By preventing the communication breakdown, this interaction supports emotional regulation, strengthens the parent-child connection, and often keeps the tantrum from happening in the first place.
Practical Tips
Here are a few practical strategies you can start using today. Consistently model everyday gestures, such as pointing, waving, showing, and giving, since children learn communication by watching those around them. Pair these gestures with simple signs to further support early communication, and celebrate all communication attempts, including word approximations, rather than waiting for perfect speech. Reduce verbal pressure by using short, predictable phrases, and offer simple choices (“Milk or water?”) to create natural opportunities for children to communicate. Narrate your child’s emotions with statements like “I see you’re feeling frustrated” to help build their emotional vocabulary, and respond promptly to every communication attempt. When children feel heard and understood, they’re less likely to become frustrated, and communication, rather than behavior, becomes their primary way of expressing their needs.
When we give children accessible communication tools early in life, we’re building much more than language. We’re fostering emotional regulation, confidence, independence, and stronger relationships. Rather than focusing on controlling behavior after a tantrum occurs, we can prevent many tantrums by empowering children to communicate their needs before frustration takes over. Every time a child feels heard and understood, they strengthen their trust in the adults around them and gain confidence in their own ability to communicate. By prioritizing connection over correction, we create an environment where children and their families can truly thrive. The next time your child has a tantrum, ask yourself one simple question: “What are they trying to tell me?”
Resources
FIRST WORDS Project (2014). 16 Gestures by 16 Months. Florida State University. https://firstwordsproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/16-Gestures-x16-Months.pdf A great resource for parents and caregivers looking for practical examples of early gestures to model, plus an overview of how gestures support communication before spoken language develops.
21 essential signs to teach your baby so the two of you can communicate. (n.d.). BabyCenter. Retrieved August 7, 2026, from https://www.babycenter.com/baby/baby-development/signing-with-your-baby-or-toddler-how-to-communicate-with-yo_1449533 A great resource for learning beginner baby signs that support communication before speech develops, with simple examples parents can start using in everyday routines.
Zero to Three. Your Calm Is Their Calm: Co-Regulation Strategies for Infants and Toddlers. https://www.zerotothree.org/resource/your-calm-is-their-calm-co-regulation-strategies-for-infants-and-toddlers/ A great resource for understanding how a caregiver’s calm presence supports an infant or toddler’s developing nervous system.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Essentials for Parenting Toddlers: Tips for Responding to Behavior. https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/responding-to-behavior/ A great resource for practical, everyday strategies for responding to toddler behavior and big emotions.
Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning, Vanderbilt University. Preschool teaching modules on calm down strategies and visual supports. http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/ A great resource for visual supports and calm-down strategies for preschool-aged children.
American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org. Top Tips for Surviving Tantrums. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Temper-Tantrums.aspx A great resource for pediatrician-backed guidance on responding to and preventing tantrums.
Greene, R. W. Collaborative and Proactive Solutions. Lives in the Balance. https://livesinthebalance.org A great resource for collaborative problem-solving approaches that help school-age children build coping and communication skills.
Brown, L. First Words Course. Early & Bright. https://www.earlyandbrightslp.com/slpcourse Ideas from this course helped shape the framing of this post.